


The Promise of Forever

by selfishdreamer



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 13:29:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selfishdreamer/pseuds/selfishdreamer
Summary: Evgeni Malkin, age 30, was found dead in his Sewickley home on August 23rd, just weeks before the start of his 11th season in the NHL. The Russian hockey player of the two time Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins was found to have overdosed on over the counter medications. An autopsy report is still being conducted but as of right now, the case is being viewed as a suicide. Neither the Penguins organization or players, including Captain Sidney Crosby, a 'close friend', have elected to comment on the tragedy.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based loosely off of a One Direction fan fiction entitled "99 Days Without You"

8/30/2016

Geno, 

I've been told to write. I'm not sure if this will help but I'm pretty sure they are just trying everything to see if it will work.  
I haven't been doing well. None of us have since you left but especially me. I still haven't spoken to any press or Mario. Taylor's been calling but I haven't had the heart to answer.  
Everyone's been trying to take my mind off of you. They've tried to make me forget about how you smiled when you scored or how your voice made everything sound better but I haven't. Not yet at least. 

I don't think they expected me to write to you but this is what I'm doing. I hope you don't mind. It will make this a bit easier.

I can't believe it's been a week. 

 

8/31/2016

Geno, 

My therapist thinks it is okay I write to you. She thinks that it will help me say what has "been left unsaid." She thinks I should tell you about what happened on the day they found you. 

Everyone was worried but I wasn't. I had seen you the night before, left you safe at home with a smile on your face. When you didn't show up for training the next day, I figured you had overslept. Decided to finish the bottle of wine on your own, perhaps. It was preseason so it was a little early for you to start missing practices, but I wasn't worried. Curious, yes but not concerned. I still found myself watching the door, waiting for you to come running through with your stick in your hand and a guilty smile on your face. When training was over and everyone was still guessing why you weren't here, I called you. And, when you didn't pick up, the first spark of worry nestled its way into my head. It was just a spark though. It didn't fester until Mario waved me into his office with a grim look on his face, an expression I had never seen him make before in my 12 years of knowing him. 

They had sent someone over. A stranger found you, cold and alone on the floor, surrounded by pills. They called the ambulance immediately but it was no use. You had been gone for hours. Mario tried to be careful with his words but my head wouldn't drop "cold", "alone" and "gone." I didn't cry then. I hardly remember feeling anything when they told me except for the sharp betrayal you get after you hear a cruel, cruel joke. How was it possible that you, my team mate and best friend, were gone just like that? I had seen you so recently, laughed with you just the night before and smiled with the promise of seeing you tomorrow just to learn I never would again? I didn't say anything to Mario while he spoke, letting the words pass over me like rain, dripping down my back to the ground and leaving just icy stains of their presence. 

The only word I could muster up when he finished was ‘contracts’.

I know why people think I'm a robot; they don't understand. The contract is more than hockey: it promised we'd play together forever. And now, it's all gone. I knew you'd understand what I meant by that, if you were listening. You were always the only one who understood.

Mario drove me home. He offered me my room at his place again, if I needed it. I shook my head. He told me if I ever needed to talk about it he was there. I cut him off with a sharp smile. I wasn't ready to believe it. 

9/1/2016

Geno,

It's September now which means it's one step closer to Hockey season. One step closer to our first season without you. If you were here, we'd all be smiling about it. Ready to chase a consecutive cup. No one smiles too much anymore. Not without you here. I miss your smile, the one that you did that made you look 5 and had just cut all of your hair off.

They issued the first statement today, more than a week later. Mario did it and I sat behind him, counting the freckles on my hand. I didn't look up. 

Everyone wants to know what I think but, to be honest, I don't even know what I think. It isn't real yet. It's like the fear that you feel in a dream, there enough to make you run but not enough to jolt you awake, screaming. I'm angry and sad and confused and a whole jumble of things, G. I'm not ready to speak about it. 

9/2/2016

Geno, 

Your funeral is today. They are doing something small in Pittsburgh before bringing you home for good. I used to hate when you left for the summers to go to Russia. I know that this is selfish of me but I hated that you were in a different timezone, living life opposite to me, and not close enough to drive to when I needed company. I loved when you came back. I always picked you up from the airport and made you food at your house to eat for the next week as you recovered from jet lag. You always complained that it wasn't your Mama's food but I knew you loved being here too. 

Your parents and Denis are going to come stay with me. They insisted on coming for the ceremony today and they couldn't bear staying in your house alone without you. It will be weird seeing them without you, not having a built in translator who definitely did more harm than good. I have a feeling we won't talk too much anyways.

9/3/2016

Geno,

Yesterday was the hardest day yet. The funeral was beautiful: there were so many flowers and everyone came. We all loved you so much, G. Why did you have to go?

It was sadder than most funerals. No one was sharing memories about how funny you were or how sweet you were because everyone was so shocked that you were gone. I cried for the first time yesterday. Your Mama was crying and she looked at me and her heart was so broken, G. And she knew it was real. And then I did too. And so I cried and cried and I thought it would end but it didn't. Everyone cried. Flower told me I should speak but I couldn't. I'm so sorry but I couldn't. I couldn't get up there and talk about the fact that you were gone.

I'm not okay. Maybe I won't ever be again.

9/4/2016

Geno,

Your parents left today. I hugged them good bye. I hope this isn't the last time I see them. They probably won't come back to Pittsburgh but maybe I could go to Russia. Visit you. I always wanted to go to Russia with you. 

Before they left, your mom told me something. She told me that I was very important to you. That you loved me. I nodded when she said this but I couldn't help but think that she was wrong. You couldn't love me. If you had, you would have never done this to me. 

9/5/2016

Geno, 

I did something stupid today. I was cleaning a bit and I found your sweatshirt- you must have left it here after the welcome home party I threw the week before the incident. I found it and before I could talk myself out of it, I was driving to your house to return it to you. I let myself in with the spare key ( you never were good at hiding it ) and went to hang it up. Your house hadn't been touched since the day. I don't know why I thought it would have been but it was if you had just gone out to the store and would be back in a second. The wine glasses we had drunk from the night before were still laying out, the lights were still on throughout the house, your shoes were still laying by the front door. In a moment I was upstairs, staring at your unmade bed and creeping closer and closer towards the en suite bathroom. That was the one thing that wasn't the same. The pills had been cleaned up and everything was so sterilized. You weren't there, of course. In a second, I was pulling everything out, making a mess. This was still your home and your home was never this clean. Like a mad man, I scattered medicine and products everywhere, not stopping until it was a total mess. I didn't even realize I had been crying the whole time until I slid to the floor, kicking your toothbrush from where it sat at my feet. 

I couldn't feel that this was the last place you had spent alive. No matter how hard I tried, it just felt like a bathroom. As I moved to get up, my hand slipped underneath the counter and I froze as it brushed a piece of paper. I pulled it out slowly, horrified as I saw my own name written on the front. 

I haven't read it yet. I don't want to know why. But I know I have to. I will, I promise. Just not today. 

As I left your house, I took the hoodie back and turned off all of the lights before locking the door.

 

9/8/2016

Geno,

It's been a few days. Not a lot has happened. I'm sorry I haven't written.

I haven't told anyone about the house. Or the letter. 

I haven't read it yet.

Flower invited me over and I've already said no to him twice so I have to go. I think it will be a good distraction.

9/9/2016

Geno,

Therapy isn't going too well. Mario and Sully are disappointed in me because they think I'm not trying but I can't bring myself to care. 

Tomorrow is our first practice back. We all agreed that it was time to get ready for the new season. It is the first time in my entire life that I don't want to step on the ice because I know it will be just another reminder that you aren't going to be there this season. 

9/13/2016

Geno, 

Practice has been okay. It sucks before and it sucks after but the ice has always helped. 

People don't think we have a shot without you. And maybe they are right. I keep trying to make myself care about it, get angry at you for stripping away our shot but I'm not. I haven't read it yet but I know you were hurting. It's only fair that we hurt a little too. 

The guys still miss you but they are starting to move on a bit. They all have wives and children to lean on, people they need to be strong for. I just had you.

I need to be strong too. I wake up and put a smile on my face during press and practice everyday. I don't answer questions about you and people have started to stop asking me anyways. I sometimes even make jokes, laugh with everyone else. 

But I'm not strong. I'm not okay. As soon as they stop looking at me, my smile fades and I'm back to trying not to forget the way your eyes lit up when you spoke about your family or the sleepy sound of your voice that only came out after a particularly long roadie. 

9/14/2016

Geno,

I'm going to read it today.

9/18/2016

Geno,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days. I wanted to write after I read it but I didn't have it in me. I've read it five times now and each time hurts more. I wish you had spoken to me, I wish I could've figured it out. I was such a bad friend. I'm so sorry.

I blame myself.

9/22/2016

Geno,

I've been so tired. I never did too much outside hockey before but now I just come home after and sleep. It's all I can bear to do. I read the letter sometimes but otherwise I sit and think. I miss you, G. I wish you'd come over and watch movies with me and make me do something more than sit around and be boring. 

9/23/2016

Geno,

I can't believe it's been a month. This is the longest I've ever gone without speaking to you since I met you. The jerseys were revealed in practice today -- there is a small 71 inside the logo. 

We cancelled practice in your honor, taking a day off before our first preseason game. Mario told me that they are thinking of giving Tanger the other A. He earned it but you should be wearing it instead. 

Your parents called me today, told me that they left you some flowers. 

One whole month. 

You're really gone, aren't you?

9/24/2016

Geno,

Taylor came today. I forgot she said she was coming to visit. It's nice having her around: she makes me so happy. When she's here, I forget for a second, laugh at her stupid stories and jokes. But it doesn't last. We don't talk about you. She's always known what to avoid. 

Taylor is staying for the rest of the weekend so I don't have any excuse to sit around and cry all day. She's really good for me. I'd ask her to move here if I didn't think she'd be completely miserable because of it. 

9/26/2016

Geno,

Taylor left this morning. I didn't write yesterday because not a whole bunch happened. Taylor found your letter and read it and we spent the rest of the day crying. Crying is always a little better with someone else to cry with you. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay that night. 

I'm sorry you had to cry alone. 

10/2/2016

Geno, 

Preseason has taken up all my time. I'm sorry I didn't write. I promise I won't let the entire season be like this. We have been playing fine but it is obvious that we aren't the same team anymore. Opening night is in two weeks and we will raise the banner. They are also going to do a tribute to you. 

10/3/2016

Geno,

We have a week off before the ring ceremony. I don't know what to do with all this time. There is something wrong with me. When I think about you, all I get is emptiness. I don't cry anymore. I'm not better. I didn't get over you. I don't think I ever will. I'm just numb. It's like when I used to play pond hockey when it was freezing outside and it was so cold that I stopped feeling my toes and then my fingers and then my nose and eventually I couldn't feel anything. And it wasn't that it stopped being cold it was just that I had been so cold for so long that I no longer felt cold, just numb. 

I hate the numbness. I've been trying to feel something, anything. I've been working out overtime, pushing myself until my lungs sting and my muscles ache. I crave the ache. 

Tanger and Flower find me on the floor of my gym, manically smiling as my chest is heaving. 

They're worried about me. As much as I've tried to pretend that I am better, they see right through me. They always have. 

They aren't going to let me out of their sight. 

10/4/2016

Geno,

Flower isn't letting me work out today. Tanger is making me relax and eat comfort food. 

My head is going to explode. 

10/6/2016

Geno, 

I need you.

10/10/16

Geno,

I somehow survived the past week. Our season starts Wednesday and I think I'm ready. It's going to be hard but it's a welcomed distraction. 

Today was the ring ceremony. The rings are beautiful, G. They put a special 71 inside of it. 

They made one for you, of course. I'm going to give it to your Mama. We have a break in November and I'm going to go and visit you and I'll give it to her then.  
I told your Mama and she is very excited. She's doing okay, G. She misses you but she is going to be okay. I don't know about me.

10/12/16

Geno, 

We won our first game. Everyone played well. I think we played extra hard in case you were watching. They played a video about you and it was the first time I had heard your voice since you left. It's a little different than I remembered. Then again, it was your media voice that they played. 

I spent the last hour trying to remember exactly how you real voice sounds. I think I have it but it's a little fuzzy. I'm going to ask Tanger if he has any videos of you tomorrow so I can listen to it. 

10/13/16

Geno,

Tanger had one. It was the video he had recorded of you pranking the rookies last year. You only speak for like 30 seconds. 

I've watched it a lot already. 

10/20/16

Geno, 

We played the Caps today. We lost in overtime, 4-3, but it was a good game. 

Alexander Ovechkin waited for me outside the locker room. I never really liked him too much but I know you and him were friends. Without speaking, he gave me a big hug. He's a good guy.  
He took me out to a bar and told me stories of you I'd never heard. I laughed so hard. It was like I could feel you, G, sitting at the booth with us, drinking vodka and denying everything. 

He really misses you, G. We all do. 

10/21/16

Geno, 

Mario got really mad at me yesterday. My therapist told him I wasn't going to my sessions. 

Therapy isn't helping. She doesn't understand. She wanted me to stop writing to you, Geno. She thinks this is unhealthy. But I can't stop writing; I won't leave you alone again. Not this time. 

10/22/16

Geno, 

I got in a fight today. Some no good rookie was trying to get me mad today. They called you a coward for doing what you did, another loser who wasn't tough enough to live in this world. I knew he was just provoking me, that fighting him would just be me taking the bait, but I dropped my gloves in a second. 

I broke his nose. 

They took me out for the rest of the game, said they were worried about my "head." He didn't get a shot on me. 

We lost. 

10/23/16

Geno, 

Two months.

10/24/16

Geno, 

Taylor and my parents are teaming up against me with Mario. They all think I'm not trying hard enough. That two months is too long to keep moping. 

They don't understand. Nobody does. 

10/25/16

Geno, 

Jack and the Blue Jackets are in town today. We play them tomorrow. Jack is staying with me tonight. I'm trying to put on a strong face. 

He found my journal today and he asked me what it was and I lashed out at him. I think he found out. 

He told me that I had to get over you and give this up like a normal person.

I kicked him out. 

10/26/16

Geno,

We won in the shootout. I didn't say goodbye to Jack, even after he tried to apologize. 

10/29/16

Geno, 

Tanger and Flower tried to hold an intervention for me. It's really nice that they care about me so much but it's so frustrating. I don't see why they don't just give up trying to fix me. It's clearly not working. Maybe one day I'll only think about you right before I fall asleep. I'll only remember you on the really really good days or the really really horrible ones. But I won't ever forget you. I don't see why everyone thinks I will. 

I hate the way Catherine and Vero look at me, like a bruised puppy that just got run over by a car. Maybe that's what I am to them but I hate that other people feel badly for me. 

Don't they see this is all my fault?

10/31/16

Geno, 

Phil decided to throw the Halloween party this year. I wasn't really in the right place to do it. Everyone chirped at me for not dressing up but they couldn't see that I was wearing a costume the whole time. A costume of someone who had their shit together and wasn't consumed by grief and guilt. 

I hadn't really used alcohol as a coping mechanism but Phil had a lot of good whiskey and the burn that stung my throat was delightful. Except I got sloppy drunk.

Tanger drove me a home an hour ago, sobered me up with a gallon of gatorade and bread. But, before I snapped out of it, I had mistakenly let myself begin to speak. 

I asked Tanger what you had dressed up as for halloween. 

The look that had crossed his eyes was strong enough to snap me out of my haze. 

You really fucked me up, G.

11/4/2016

Geno,

I leave for Russia tomorrow. Tanger doesn't want me to go alone. He's scared for me. I think he told Flower because the two of them have been treating me like I am about four years old.  
This morning, as I was packing for my trip, I saw my reflection for the first time in a while. 

I look different. I'm thinner than I usually am this time of year. I let my hair grow long, curly on the edges like it was when I was 18. My eyes look darker. My clothes fit me differently. 

I look at myself for a long time. 

11/6/2016

Geno, 

I landed in Magnitogorsk this morning. It's very cold here- colder than Canada. You were right. Natalia picked me up and gave me some tea, way too sweet like you used to make. 

It's charming. I see why you loved it so much. 

We didn't do so much today. I tried to learn some more Russian before coming but I wish I had taken your lessons more seriously. I don't need to actually talk to your parents to communicate with them though. I think they are the only ones who understand how I feel. They have each other at least.

Your Mama showed me how to make dinner and we worked together in silence, occupying our minds for hours. Her cooking is delicious-- I'm now not offended when you complained about my cooking. My cooking is the worst compared to hers. I can't believe you even ate mine. 

I ate until my stomach felt like it would burst, more than I had eaten in months. 

Natalia showed me your room. It belonged to a you I never met, the Russian you before you came to the United States. I'm sad that I never met this version of you. That I never would. 

I'm staying here for the next few days. I hope you don't mind. 

11/7/2016

Geno,

I gave your mom the ring today. She put it next to this photo she has of you on the fireplace, the one where you are wearing the Bruins hat. I remember when you first showed me this photo, laughing at your choice of hat. I love the photo. You look as happy here as you did the first time we won the cup, seven years ago. Like there is nothing you couldn't do. 

After the ring, she took me to see you.

The stone was the newest one in there by far, hovering tall over the other ones just has you had done when you were here. Your name is written in Cyrillic and English, one on top of the other. 

I lay my flowers down gently before sitting myself, my back resting against the stone. 

Natalia left to leave me alone with you. 

It was so weird being right next to you physically and knowing that you were still so far away. 

I stayed for hours, telling you about everything from the season to my journal, just in case you hadn't been able to read it.

When Natalia came back later, the sky was getting dark and my eyes were getting heavy. 

I said goodbye again. 

I hate saying goodbye to you, Geno. I wish you'd stop leaving.

11/13/16

Geno,

I got back this morning. I now understand why you always wanted to sleep all day. I have one more day left before we start playing again. 

11/20/16

Geno,

I went to the doctor's today and they think I'm putting too much stress on my body. They think I need to work out less and eat more. 

I think I just need you back. 

Well, we can't always have what we need, can we?

11/23/16

Geno,

Today marks three months. And American Thanksgiving. 

I went to the Lemieux's and spent the day eating pie and yelling at the TV. It was nice.

It would have been better with you there. 

11/27/16

Geno,

I had a really bad day today. I don't say this to make you feel bad-- I know who's fault this is. 

I just want to be honest. I should've been more honest when you were alive.

It actually started out really good. I don't usually remember my dreams but today I did. It started pretty normal: I woke up, ate breakfast and went to practice. And when I got there, there you were. Hitting Phil with a towel while teasing the rookies. When you saw me, you smiled and went back to what you were doing. Everything felt so right.

It was so good, so natural, that when I woke up, it didn't feel real. It felt like the past few months had been the dream, nightmare actually, and that what happened last night was my reality. For about an hour, I was buzzing with happiness. And then I saw your sweatshirt hanging on my wall, untouched. 

And I remembered.

And that's what makes it so bad. The reminder that it didn't have to be this way.That there’s a world out there where everything is okay. That we all could have been happy.

If it weren't for me. 

12/1/16

Geno,

It's December. I know December is your favorite month. Everything just feels dead and bland. 

12/5/16

Geno,

It was really cold today. So I wore your sweatshirt. I hope you don't mind. It still smells a little like you. Like your aftershave but not like you, you. Close enough. 

It's a little inconvenient because the sleeves are way too long but I love it nonetheless. I almost forgot how lanky you were. 

12/7/16

Geno, 

I accidentally wore the hoodie to practice today. I got a lot of looks. 

12/15/16

Geno, 

My therapist thinks I should adopt a dog. As if replacing you would be that easy. I don't think any living being deserves to be around me right now so I told her I was allergic. I think she could tell I was lying. I'm not very good at it. 

12/21/16

Geno, 

I just got back to Cole Harbour for Christmas. It's the first time I've been back in a long time. Mom's made cookies and Dad is talking my ear off about our power play. Taylor's singing Christmas songs. It's exactly what I needed. 

I try to remember who I was before I met you, before I was a Penguin. I was happy and I talked too much. Even more awkward than I am now. It was blissful but I wouldn't want it back. I'm hurt but I'm glad to have known you for the time that I did. Better to know you and lose you than to never know you at all. 

Taylor is making me wrap presents with her and it's nice. 

Christmas is nice. 

At least you get to spend it at home this year. 

12/23/16

Geno, 

Four months. Feels like a lifetime. 

12/25/16

Geno, 

Merry Christmas, G. I sent your parents scarves and chocolates. I sent you some flowers. I hope you like them. 

Taylor got me a new phone which I don't really understand but was very nice of her. Mom got me a recipe book. I think she can tell I'm not cooking too much right now. Dad got me a new suit. 

I cut my hair today. My mom thought it was way too long. It looks better. I'm starting to look like myself again. 

If only I started to feel like it too. 

12/31/16

Geno,

It's almost the New Year. Just a few more hours.

1/1/17

Geno, 

It's 2017. The first new year without you here. It feels weird. I'm leaving for Pittsburgh again tomorrow. It still reminds me of you. 

I didn't make a resolution this year. There are too many things I want to change about me. 

1/6/17

Geno, 

We lost today. Badly. And to the Flyers. It sucks.

I was talking to the guys after the game, saying what I thought needed to change, and I suddenly missed your silent agreements. You were the best. I love Tanger but he's not you and it works differently. 

I also miss having you to help out with the post game interviews. It hasn't gotten any easier. 

I put your sweatshirt on when I got home to make me feel better. 

It smells more like me than you now. 

Do I have to ruin everything?

1/16/2017

Geno, 

I don't like to leave my house too often. You know this: I never did. But sometimes I have to. I was only going to the store to get a few things and I was stopped by a few girls. They were wearing Pens shirts and they were squeaking and squealing a bit and I tried to be accommodating, I really did, but I can't imagine I was too successful in looking happy.

And apparently I'm pretty easy to read because they knew why I was sad right away. They were so kind, G. They said such lovely things about you. They missed you, too. They actually cared. And they didn't even know the extent of how incredible you were, G. 

It put me in a good mood for a couple hours until I felt that I needed to share it with someone. The only person I wanted to talk to was you. 

I called your phone. 

You didn't pick up– you never do. 

Your message box is still full.

What I would give for you to pick up...

1/23/17

Geno,

Five. 

1/24/17

Geno, 

They had to take me to the hospital today. I haven't been eating enough and I was taking extra shifts during the game today and I just collapsed. They are going to put me on a specific diet and schedule so this won’t happen again. So they won’t lose another one of their stars.

I’m rotting away, G. From the inside out.

1/30/17

Geno, 

Today I visited the memorial we set up for you. I almost forgot about it. I know that you aren’t at this one but it’s still for you. The Pittsburgh part of you. My part of you. 

You should see how many flowers they have for you here, G, more than five months later. It’s so beautiful. 

I don’t stay too long since the doctors want me in bed still but it was lovely.  
You would’ve loved it. 

2/5/2017

Geno, 

Today was my first day back. The organization said I had the flu or some bullshit. Everyone knew though. They knew I had done it to myself. 

And I really, really had. 

I played well. Two goals, three assists. 

That’s the thing, too. The season has been a good one. I shouldn’t be upset still. 

Except I am. 

2/13/17

Geno, 

Flower and Tanger are still worried. We have the week off and they are dragging me to the beach I think. 

I tried to say no but they weren’t hearing it. The doctor recommended it too so I don’t really have a choice. Wish me luck. 

2/15/17

Geno, 

Miami is nice. I get why you always used to speak about it. But the beach isn’t for me. I crave the icy coldness of Pittsburgh February. 

I’ve been eating though. And relaxing. Kind of. Tanger and Flower are thrilled with themselves, as if they had just won a nobel prize for solving the puzzle that is the great Sidney Crosby. 

It’s a little sad actually. 

They are dragging me out dancing tonight. 

2/22/17

Geno, 

We got back tonight. I missed home. 

2/23/17

Geno, 

Today is 6 months. Half a year. Mario had me over for dinner and we talked about the first night you came to Pittsburgh. Who would have thought this is how it would have turned out?

I love being at the Lemieux’s. Their house isn’t as quiet as mine and the happy memories outweigh the bad. 

When I lived here, I had dreamed of a happy life. A long, successful career, a marriage eventually and children. Everything Mario has. 

For some reason, without you, it doesn’t feel possible. When you died, you took away that dream for yourself. But somehow mine died too. 

Now I just hope to wake up the next morning. Most days. 

3/4/17

Geno, 

Not a lot has happened. Otherwise I would write more. Lots of empty days. 

3/11/17

Geno, 

We had off today so I went to the ice by myself. Nothing too crazy but just something to clear my mind. 

I was mostly just skating, tracing tracks through the ice before rewriting my steps, erasing the old ones. I had a stick and a puck that I dragged along with me but I wasn’t taking any shots. 

But then, G, I swear you were there. You were right behind me, following my routes, skating gracefully. 

I remember when we would skate, just the two of us, after practices earlier on. We didn’t speak then but we hadn’t needed to.  
I was almost surprised when no one followed me back into the locker room. 

3/18/17

Geno, 

Today I talked to Mario, Jim and Sully about the C. The truth is, I haven’t been a very good Captain. I always intended to wear the C but, then again, I had always intended to deserve it. I was at every game, spoke to everyone about every win and loss but outside the arena, my Captaincy fell short. I wasn’t around like I used to be. I didn’t care as much. 

They protested me giving it up, said that it was always to be mine if I wanted it but I knew it was a permanent decision, that I would never be ready to be Captain again. 

They said they would finalize the change when the season was over. 

 

3/23/17

Geno, 

That’s seven. 

4/1/17

Geno, 

The regular season is almost over. We are in the playoffs again. Everyone’s very excited-- they think that this is your doing, that you are watching over us. I like to think that you are. 

I hope you’re here. 

I hope I’m not alone. 

 

4/20/17

Geno,

We beat the Blue Jackets. Round 2. 

4/23/17

Geno, 

Eight. 

5/3/17

Geno, 

We’re playing the Caps. We’re winning so far, 3-1. Ovechkin asked me out for drinks again. He asked me if I was doing okay. I think he could tell I probably wasn’t. 

I went but I left early. 

5/10/17

Geno, 

It wasn’t pretty, but we won. Round 3. Ovechkin told me in the handshake line to win the whole thing for you. We just might. 

5/23/17

Geno, 

9 months. We could have won it today, but we lost again. Next game is home.

5/25/17

Geno, 

We won. We fucking won. Off to the finals two years in a row. Kuni had this beautiful shot in double OT. You would have loved it. 

6/8/17

Geno, 

I don’t know. We’re all praying. 

6/11/17

Geno, 

We are back to back Stanley Cup Champions. I won the Conn Smythe. Everyone is spinning it into this miracle, that you were the sixth man on the ice with us. I wanted to hand the cup to you first, but you weren’t there. 

Everyone is so happy, G. It’s so exciting, the first time in the salary cap era. There is smiling and champagne. Everything is almost perfect. 

I should be happy. 

Why am I not happy?

6/23/17

Geno, 

I decided to take my cup day early this year, before everyone goes off. I spend the day with everyone at my house, jumping into pools and screaming songs of victory to Lord Stanley. 

They haven’t written the new names yet so I let my fingers trace over the old ones, saving yours and mine for last. 

When we’re all gone someday, this is how we will exist. This is how all the effort and exertion and pain will be remembered. Into one small engraving. 

Everyone leaves before dinner, which is nice. It was a perfect last day with all the guys and their families, a picture perfect memory. 

They are giving me tomorrow too. I thought about taking the cup home to Canada or with me to Russia. But I knew I should do this here. It always had to be here. 

I called my parents and Taylor. I had seen them pretty recently for the parade and the Finals but I still needed one last goodbye. It hurts to know that I might hurt them as much as you hurt your family but they have each other. They’ll be strong.

I took the pills a few minutes ago, just like you had. I have your note. 

I guess this whole journal has been my note back to you. 

Still, if I never see you again, if after we die all that is there is nothing, then here are my final words.

I love you too. 

Forever yours,  
Sid


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy ending we deserve

Sidney Crosby had and would have done absolutely anything for hockey. Hockey was his first love, and Sidney loved deeply and passionately. But Evgeni Malkin was his second. And as much as he loved hockey, Sid had never loved anything more than Geno. 

As much as he had sacrificed for hockey, he was willing to give it all up for Geno. And that was the only way anyone could explain how they found Sidney, next to the cup in his room, alone with a leather bound journal against his chest, lifeless and unmoving. 

The Penguins had lost yet another teammate, their Captain and friend. Troy and Trina had lost their only son, Taylor her only brother. The world had lost a star. 

Sidney couldn't help but pout down on them as he watched them all scramble and blame themselves. He was where he belonged. They needed to see that. 

All of Sidney's annoyance subsided as he felt a chin dig sharply into his shoulder. As he turned around and faced the smile he had longed for for so long, the sorrows melted quickly off of his face. 

Before long his hand was in Geno's own as they looked down one last time. They would understand some day. 

Geno led Sidney off, wordlessly as they had done so many years ago. A lifetime ago. 

Sidney leaned up to kiss Geno once before they proudly stepped towards the light together, the promise of forever drawing them closer and closer to the pond and skates they had alway dreamed of.


	3. Geno's Note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And back to the pain...

Sidney, 

I'm sorry. I know you enough to know that you'll blame yourself and for this I'm so sorry. 

But as much as I want to say this isn't your fault, I can't do that. Because without you, I wouldn't be writing this note. 

Without you, I wouldn't be dead. 

By now, this isn't a shock. Maybe you're reading this right where I am writing this, here on the bathroom floor. Maybe you're at home. But you know I'm dead. 

Now you are going to know why.

This is the hardest decision I've ever made, Sid. To leave the person you're in love with behind forever. 

Did you know, Sid? That I'm in love with you? I've known for ten years now. It feels like every person in the whole world knew about it. I never was sure if you did. If you were clueless or if you knew and were trying to ignore it. I loved you so much, Sid. I still do. I always will. 

But I'm not dying because I loved you. If anything, I loved you so much that it kept me around here longer. You were my sunshine for so long. But the sun always sets, Sid. 

There are so many things I love about you, Sid. I've always loved your hockey, your fierce, unspoken dominance. When I first came here, I would watch you skate all day. I always wanted to be just like you. 

But your hockey isn't all that you are. You've got the most amazing laugh, Sid. I know you always try to hide it, to cover it up with your hands or a cough, but whenever I could make you truly laugh your goose honk laugh, I never felt more accomplished. That's one of the things that scares me the most about all of this: that I'll never hear your laugh again. That I'll never hear anything again.

I hope you never stop laughing. I hope whoever the lucky person who gets to love you is gets to hear you laugh everyday. 

I'm sorry if it's hard to laugh right now. I'm so sorry for hurting you, Sid. I'll never forgive myself for it. But I'll never forgive myself for leaving this unsaid. 

I also love your eyes, how quickly they turn from serious to soft. You could control the whole world with those eyes. 

I remember once we were playing in Nashville and this little kid came up to us and was crying about how he couldn't find his mom. And you were so worried but you looked into this little boy's eyes and gave him the sweetest, most hopeful eyes and told him it would be okay and I think he even fell a little bit in love with you then. 

Even after a bad game, when I was so impossibly mad, you would turn off your Captain eyes and give me your Sid eyes and everything would feel alright again. 

I'm scared, Sid. I have no idea what's waiting for me and I don't know what's going to happen. I wish you were here right now, I wish you could help me through my tears with your perfect eyes and laugh and tell me everything would be okay. But you aren't. And I could never ask that of you. 

I'm not dying because I loved you, Sid, because you gave me life. I'm dying because you couldn't love me back. 

I didn't know from the start. I was young and naive and believed in miracles. I had known that you were reserved and that it took a lot for you to open up but my stupid heart told me that I would be the one who could break down your walls. 

But then years passed and nothing changed. You were still my best friend but you still looked uncomfortable when I touched you, leaned away when I got too close. It was like you were disgusted with me. 

I thought for a time you were incapable of love. But then I saw how easily you engaged with Taylor, willingly hugged her and initiated touches and then I realized it was just me. That the only person you were incapable of loving was me. 

I tried to forget about you Sid but you were like my personal drug and I was addicted. 

And I didn't want to forget. As much as it was clear that you didn't, I still wanted to love you. 

I love you, Sidney. If there's one thing you get from this, it should be that. I love you so much. 

I don't want to say goodbye to you but I have to. 

I'll be there, Sid. I don't know what will happen to me but whatever does, I will be with you. 

I took the pills a few minutes ago so it won't be long now. 

Live a long happy life. Keep laughing. Win a few more cups. 

I love you. 

I'll see you again, okay?

-Geno


End file.
